I’m currently staring at a picture of my father on Facebook. With his family which includes two other children and his wife. I’m staring hard at this picture thinking, “I have that man’s DNA in me.” “Who is he?” “What is this picture from, everyone is dressed up.” I also notice the time stamp of when the picture was uploaded. June 22. My birthday.
If you didn’t know already, my father walked out a few days after I was born. However, he sought me out after I went into foster care. We wrote a couple letters to each other, spoke on the phone a few times then I spent one weekend with him. He wanted me to move in, which of course excited me. That year was Y2K New Year’s which I spent with my bio family at the lake. I told my father I’d call him when I returned. But I have not heard from him since. I wrote letters, called. Nothing. He walked out of my life for a second time without a goodbye. That was almost 18 years ago to the day. I literally said f*ck you and promised myself I’d never let him in again.
Let me rewind and explain how I came to staring at this picture. I used to be friends with his children, my half siblings, several years ago. As much as I didn’t want him in my life, I figured they were just as innocent in this situation as I was. Being friends on Facebook couldn’t hurt anyone right?
Well that was until I realized HE had one and never sought me out. BUT his wife did. The second I saw her friend request I had a complete meltdown. How could the person who helped create me have no care in the world about me?
I immediately denied her request and then deleted my half siblings. I wasn’t strong enough to separate the two anymore. My half-sister requested me a bit after that and it’s just been sitting in the queue of 100+ friend requests since.
Today I was scrolling through those requests. I don’t like to add anyone unless I “know” them. I saw her picture and clicked on it. And from there started the clicking abyss. June 22 was six months ago, but I hadn’t looked at her profile in years. Ironic how I’d come across this picture exactly 18 years after he walked out again.
More thoughts fly through my mind. “Does he ever think of me?” “He looks old.” “Why, why did you leave?”
I tear up as I stare at this picture and my mind continues to wander. A piece of me will always wonder. I will have a void and feel pain, but I know it’s not enough to destroy me. He made his decision. I can’t control his actions, but I can control my reactions.
So cheers to the New Year and choosing happiness always! Thank you for this gentle reminder Universe.