Today is a very personal when it comes to national awareness days. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
You may look at me and see someone who is pretty and has everything she could want. I have my family, friends, boyfriend, and health. I live in beautiful Los Angeles with my dog working a steady job that challenges me. Never judge a book by it’s cover. I harbor ugly scars and insecurities like the next person. It took me a long time to get here, to be present, and love myself. Trust me it’s a continual practice.
I’ve always thought myself as a happy person even as a kid during the abuse. I guess you could say nothing dulled my sparkle. However, after I moved in with my parents, once I felt safe, the effects of the abuse and abandonment exploded. I went down a dark and lonely spiral of cutting and suicidal thoughts.
I’ve shared this story before on my blog. Freshman year of high school I dreamt of being raped again. It’s difficult enough to work past the horrors in real life, but to dream it—to wake up sweating, panting, and in pain—my mind was distraught. When I asked my mom to watch me bless her for understanding whatever that meant. Not only was I scared of this world I became scared of myself. A part of me believes she recognized that fear and immediately took me to the ER to receive help. This was the start of my dark spiral, but luckily not the end of my life.
That’s what I want to remind you. That you are worth it. Every day. Every time.
It is not the end of the book for you. If you want it to be the end of something, let it be the chapter. There are reasons to stay and be happy. Happiness is experienced differently by everyone. If I had taken my life I would’ve missed out on my years of riding horses, finishing high school, being the first to graduate college, my trip to Israel, falling in love, adopting Milo, and so much more. All these make life worth living.
I discovered my purpose in all this. To share the ugly I endured and it’s effects, but also the happiness and love I found within myself. My hope is others will find the love inside themselves.
Your pain is valid. Your feelings are valid. If you need help please call someone. If you don’t think you have someone please check out To Write Love On Her Arm’s resource page. It helped me through a difficult time nine years ago. I remembered I’m not alone and neither are you.